Fear of Failure

Failure is a dirty word. Unfortunately, I have been accustomed to the idea that perfection is the only way to survive, and that if you aren't top of your class, don't get the highest test score, or don't get asked on a million dates a week that it means that you aren't good enough. Honestly, I have been trying to tell myself that thinking this way is a lie, but it is hard to break out of the cycle. As an example (and a cathartic release) I want to relate an experience that I had a couple of weeks ago.

I had studied really hard for a test in a class that I needed to do well on. The test before that, I had actually received a perfect score, and although I was feeling great about my past performance, I didn't allow it to make myself feel cocky. So, to prepare for this test, I decided that I would continue with my same study habits, and work the practice tests multiple times, do extra practice problems, and basically out study everyone else in the class. 

The day of the test comes, and I decide that I am prepared- I feel pretty confident about the material, and think that I'll do okay. When I get to the test, there are some that I am not for sure on, but I leave the testing center feeling decent. I go to check the score, and my heart literally drops to the ground.

I had failed. And I mean not just getting a B, but a complete fail, the first one in my academic career. I was (and am still a little) broken. How could my efforts have been reduced to a failing score?

Now I am sure that some people are thinking that I just memorized the problems and wasn't really prepared, but I know that isn't the truth. What I think happened was that I was so afraid of failing, I had actually sabotaged myself. When I looked at the test a week later, I realized that I had overthought problems, made stupid mistakes, and committed errors that could only be explained by my heightened nervous energy. 

I think that this happens to a lot of people all the time. We get so worried about what the outcome will be of a trial or challenge that we build it up in our minds and instead of being positive, we decide that we will fail- and then we actually do. I wish that this test wouldn't have had the outcome that it did, but in a way, it is a good learning experience for me. Sometimes, as the old saying goes, I am my worst enemy. 

The week after I took the test was Thanksgiving week, and I decided to run a half-marathon on the holiday. Needless to say, I could have thought I was going to fail- it was cold, I was running by myself, and I wasn't sure if I was going to finish (even though I had trained!). However, I envisioned success, and I ended up getting a personal best by about 15 minutes- which I was so proud of! The contrast between these two experiences taught me so much- that we can't let fear rule our lives, and that failing doesn't have to be the end of a road, but can be a powerful motivator and teacher. 

So, my advice that I have come up with is this- failure doesn't have to be a bad word, unless you learn and grow from it. Also, most "bad days" or experiences that you have aren't actually failures- sometimes things just don't go according to plan. And that's okay, because something amazing might just be around the corner. 

A New Decade

As my birthday is coming up, I've been doing a lot of thinking about turning 20. I can't believe that my teenage years are almost behind me, and I am a little upset by that! Mostly I think it's because you don't have as many responsibilities, and you can kind of do crazy things with people not getting upset because you're a teenager. When you turn 20, there is almost this automatic push into adulthood, where the real world confronts you head-on and you're left to figure out jobs, careers, bills, and all the other things that your parents worry about but you never thought you would.
For one of my college classes, we had to read The Great Gatsby. I can't tell you how much I love this book! The way that Fitzgerald provides a social commentary is refreshing, and highlights the good and bad of the roaring 20s is fantastic. I also feel like it is applicable to the young stage of life that young adults are in- where hopefully we have no limits being placed on us, where we can truly be what we want to be and achieve what we set our minds to. With that, one of the main characters said something that really grabbed my attention because of my 20th birthday:

" I was 30--Before me stretched the portentous, menacing road of a new decade"

And even though I'm not turning 30, it made me think about what this new decade will hold for me. My past decade has been filled with change- if you think about it, from the time that you're 10-20 there is a lot of things that happen, like learning to drive a car, going on a first date, graduating grade school, starting college, etc. and life just gets crazy! I'm hoping that with this birthday, this decade won't be menacing, but rather another period of life that I can look back on with fondness and excitement for what I learned and did.
So, even though I still feel a little depressed with leaving the teen world, I have to admit that I am excited to see what this new decade will bring.

Being Shy in a Sea of Outgoing People

To those who don't know me that well, they would say that I am a shy person. I would agree with them to a certain extent- I don't go out of my way to be the most loud and obnoxious person in the room, but I also look for new people to meet. I tend to be reserved in the beginning, but once I get to know somebody, I think that I can really be the life of the party.

You know the saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover"? I think that this totally applies to me. From first glance, I might seem very timid, and to be honest, kind of a dork, but with time, this changes to not being a complete dork but being somebody that it pretty funny and down to try new things. Honestly, I love laughing at myself and looking stupid, but I only want to look that way in front of people that I kind of already know a little bit. 

I have gotten so used to doing stupid things and then laughing at myself for them...and I am glad that I have that talent. I mean just the other day, I turned up the heat in church so hot, that somebody from the stand had to tell me to turn it down, and I almost started a riot with the temperature. While I'm typing this, I am still pretty embarrassed, but at least I can chalk up the experience to another one of my dumb ideas. Along with falling in a math class in high school, to totally failing at skiing or getting a knife stuck in a drawer, my days are pretty crazy and eventful! So, when you first see me, don't just write me off as another quiet girl that has nothing interesting to say (because I definitely have a ton to share).

One of the things that frustrates me so much is that split-second judgement that people pass on us. I know I'm guilty of doing it, but I'm trying to get better. I know that if/when people do that to me, they miss so many great things about my personality (I know I'm tooting my own horn here) and also who I actually am as a person! To me, that is one of the most annoying things about being in college- everyone here has so little time to actually get to know somebody for real it seems, and will only cast a second glance if you have a pretty face. 

So this week, I am going to try and reach out to people that may not have talked to me first, or somebody that seems like the shy one, and really get to know a stranger in a short conversation. Because who knows- maybe they could be my next best friend (or soulmate) lol. 

Phenomenal Woman

Today is Maya Angelou's birthday, and let me tell you- I am so thankful that one of my teachers in high school introduced me to her. All the things that she has written and said are honestly so inspired (and inspiring) and I feel that a whole class needs to be devoted to her. We focus so much on poetry and other stories with male authors that are considered "classics", but I feel that they really need to include Angelou!

One of the things that most inspire me about her is that she had a rough upbringing with several trials (that I do not know if I could survive) and she became better for it. Not only did Maya Angelou survive, but she truly thrived. She had all the reason in the world to be bitter and check-out of life, but she chose instead to make the best out of the situations that she was put in. Many of her messages speak to being kind to others, and especially yourself. I love this message because most of the time, we are our worst critics. And unfortunately, when we are down on ourselves we can get down on others. Angelou focused on celebrating differences- something that we don't do a lot of in this culture. She had a way of looking at life and seeing all the beauty and promise that it had to offer.

As noted in the title of this post, my favorite so far that I have read is Phenomenal Woman. I love the book that I have because it has amazing art in it that compliments the text so well. One of my favorite lines is "I'm a woman, Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me". This just stands out to me because it is freaking amazing to be a woman, and there is an inner beauty that is not defined by size or looks, but just by being a woman.

I'll finish by quoting this part from her biography:

"All of my work is meant to say, 'You may encounter many defeats but you must not be defeated.' In fact, the encountering may be the very experience which creates the vitality and power to endure".

Maya Angelou, you are truly a Phenomenal Woman.

365 Days

Life always gets so crazy. I try and live my life where I am constantly doing things, and by the time that I have some slow moments, I am exhausted. This explains why I haven't been on the blog for a month- and it is hard to believe that it has been a month! Time flies by, and while I was stuck thinking about how days seem to pass in less than 24 hours, it made me think about how quickly a year goes by.
Last year, when I was think about a year into the future, I could not have pictured myself. Last year, my priorities were all about finishing up high school and trying to fulfill all my high school bucket list items. Now I am getting ready to finish my first year of college and it is so crazy to think that all this progress has happened in only a year. Honestly, it seems like a lifetime.
Sometimes, I want a magic ball that shows me my future and what it will look like. In some moments when there is a lot of uncertainty and doubt, I want to be able to see what my outcome will be, and in a way, it would be easier just to push towards the future and not have to focus on all the choices that I'll have to make! But, as a lot of people say, the joy is in the journey. And if I am being honest, I don't think that having a magic ball would help me prepare for what my future looks like (even for tomorrow)!
I guess life has a crazy way of working out sometimes. It is easy to beat yourself up over the small moments, but when you put a whole bunch of them together, along with the good, it creates a beautiful story that is fun to reflect on. Without all the highs and lows, life would be pretty boring.
Next year, I can honestly say that I have no clue what it will look like. If you asked me last year what I would be doing at this time, I honestly don't think that anything that I said would be correct. But I guess that is how it goes. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Hello 2018!

Wow. I have been so lazy posting on this blog! I have it linked to some of my social media accounts, but as school has become so busy and crazy, I have not had a lot of time to work on it! In all honesty, I miss writing and having a space to put all my thoughts down, and so I am going to try and write weekly to keep up the blog. I know I always start doing this and I quit halfway through, but now that I am a year older,wiser, and funnier, I will try.
So much has changed from my last post.
The one thing that teachers don't tell you in high school is that college will teach you a lot about yourself. I'm not going to lie, I did learn a lot more in academic subjects, but I learned more figuring out who I am as a person. I learned to grocery shop, work, be a full-time student, go on a couple of dates, and a bunch of other random stuff that I could not have learned anywhere else. I also met one of my best friends here, and I can't imagine not knowing her or having her in my life. I also learned that people can be mean, but they can also be really great. One of the most important things that I discovered is that in college, you have to keep going. If you get a bad grade on a test, learn from your mistakes and then move on. Keep trying.
I also discovered that your late teens/early twenties are a time to figure out what makes you passionate, to act stupid, and to just have fun. As the saying goes, make life fun because nobody gets out alive. If we don't slow down, breathe the air, and just take a break, we will miss a lot of truly amazing moments.
Now, I'm not going to lie- when I first started this blog I really wanted it to take off and become famous, but now that I'm wise (just kidding) I realize that it is truly amazing that I have a space to write down some of my thoughts. And, I also realized that being popular or famous shouldn't really be the goal- the goal should be to become the best version of yourself.

So with that, I am making a pledge to write more and give this blog some love. And off the blog, to love and learn more!

Sincerely,
MBE