Fear of Failure

Failure is a dirty word. Unfortunately, I have been accustomed to the idea that perfection is the only way to survive, and that if you aren't top of your class, don't get the highest test score, or don't get asked on a million dates a week that it means that you aren't good enough. Honestly, I have been trying to tell myself that thinking this way is a lie, but it is hard to break out of the cycle. As an example (and a cathartic release) I want to relate an experience that I had a couple of weeks ago.

I had studied really hard for a test in a class that I needed to do well on. The test before that, I had actually received a perfect score, and although I was feeling great about my past performance, I didn't allow it to make myself feel cocky. So, to prepare for this test, I decided that I would continue with my same study habits, and work the practice tests multiple times, do extra practice problems, and basically out study everyone else in the class. 

The day of the test comes, and I decide that I am prepared- I feel pretty confident about the material, and think that I'll do okay. When I get to the test, there are some that I am not for sure on, but I leave the testing center feeling decent. I go to check the score, and my heart literally drops to the ground.

I had failed. And I mean not just getting a B, but a complete fail, the first one in my academic career. I was (and am still a little) broken. How could my efforts have been reduced to a failing score?

Now I am sure that some people are thinking that I just memorized the problems and wasn't really prepared, but I know that isn't the truth. What I think happened was that I was so afraid of failing, I had actually sabotaged myself. When I looked at the test a week later, I realized that I had overthought problems, made stupid mistakes, and committed errors that could only be explained by my heightened nervous energy. 

I think that this happens to a lot of people all the time. We get so worried about what the outcome will be of a trial or challenge that we build it up in our minds and instead of being positive, we decide that we will fail- and then we actually do. I wish that this test wouldn't have had the outcome that it did, but in a way, it is a good learning experience for me. Sometimes, as the old saying goes, I am my worst enemy. 

The week after I took the test was Thanksgiving week, and I decided to run a half-marathon on the holiday. Needless to say, I could have thought I was going to fail- it was cold, I was running by myself, and I wasn't sure if I was going to finish (even though I had trained!). However, I envisioned success, and I ended up getting a personal best by about 15 minutes- which I was so proud of! The contrast between these two experiences taught me so much- that we can't let fear rule our lives, and that failing doesn't have to be the end of a road, but can be a powerful motivator and teacher. 

So, my advice that I have come up with is this- failure doesn't have to be a bad word, unless you learn and grow from it. Also, most "bad days" or experiences that you have aren't actually failures- sometimes things just don't go according to plan. And that's okay, because something amazing might just be around the corner.