Appearances

Recently, I've been reading a phenomenal book- The Great Gatsby. Although I could tell you about it, take my word- just read it. 

Anyways, this led me to the subject of appearances. In the book, all the characters, even the ones who are supposed to have a moral compass, put up a facade only they have to see past. For several of the characters, this means inventing an alternate reality, where they can take pride in accomplishments that never happened. Others have woven a web so thick of lies, sometimes even they get caught in it. 

This got me thinking about the facade that I put up. As transparent as I try to be, I know that as a human I don't want my wrinkled, old self to be the image I project. I want to be a polished, perfect version that may only exist on paper, not reality. 

I also think that others do the same thing. 

How many times has the media and the world showed us only the very best of celebrities and those of influence, neglecting the dark, unattractive side that each of us harbor? In their own way, they are painting a rosy picture that we all buy in to. 

Only by tearing down our own walls can we learn to not only love ourselves, but others. To teach equality, love, and integrity, we need to practice it ourselves.

I propose a challenge:

LOVE YOURSELF. Accept yourself for your flaws and shortcomings, and then look outside to others. As one of my favorite quotes says:

Lucky

I think it is easy to say that March doesn't seem to be my month. Especially in the last couple of weeks, everything that I have tried out for has fallen through. Different things that I really wanted didn't work out. It was easy for me to say that I was unlucky, that the world hated me, and that I couldn't catch a break. I really felt like nothing good was going to happen to me. For every step forward I took, I was pushed back another ten steps.

However, I came to a realization that the world wasn't punishing me, but trying to teach me a lesson that I am enough. I didn't need recognition or awards or people to surround me to get my self-worth from. As I was running yesterday, I had a thought that came into my head. I was running ON MY OWN! Nobody was doing it for me. 

I believe that it is easy to think that individual worth comes from things that you are surrounded with, but that isn't the truth. I found comfort in knowing that I could do things on my own, and that even if my achievements and rewards weren't recognized, it didn't change who I was as a person. 

Sometimes, it's hard to think that you are blessed and lucky. The advice that I had to give myself this week was this- Stay Oriented. With a goal of where we want to be and want to become in the future, we can distinguish what actually matters most.

So, to all of you that feel as though you can't catch a break- you're not the only one. 

Farmhouse for a Day

Surrounded by many acres of land sits a Victorian farmhouse, whitewashed to perfection, despite being vacant. The cracks in the grey concrete foundation do not detract from the house, and provide a home for the purple honeysuckles that grow there. The sun shines on the front of the house, illuminating they broken screen door that has lost use of its rusty hinges. Somehow, all the beautiful stained glass windows are intact, creating a multicolored display on the green grass.

If you were to walk inside the house, it might seem like the owners never left. All the furniture is in place, looking like someone might be coming to visit in the near future. Although the holes in the upholstery grow bigger, the aura of sophistication is still potent. Strangely, a window is left open, a feature in this old house. On a warm breeze floats the scent of summer and joy. In the kitchen, a farmhouse sink is placed in front of a spacious window. The view is breathtaking- golden sunflowers with other flora and fauna scattered around. The intricate rug placed by the sink is threadbare and worn, as if the owners' spent more time here than anywhere else in the house. The old wooden floors creak and grown in protest to the house settling, without the company of a family to keep it company. 

Going back outside, there isn't another house in sight. Truly, this house is on the edge of a frontier. The only company it has is the green woods surrounding the house, and the fields that stretch out endlessly. 

As you walk down the gravel path, you don't understand why one would want to leave this perfect piece of the world. Unlocking your car and opening the door, you hurriedly start the engine to blast the cold AC to receive relief from the heat. Driving away, the house gets smaller and smaller, and the tall grasses that seemed to keep you company a short time ago almost seem to be waving. Melancholy, you drive away, realizing that you might not be able to ever find this house again.

First Date

                The clock reads 6:00, the time that she agreed to meet him at a local restaurant. However, she is running late, smoothing light brown hairs that don’t seem to stay in place. Glancing down at her outfit in the smudged bathroom mirror, she wonders if the strategic pick of her favorite dress was the right call. Knowing that is it is too late to change even if she wanted to, she grabs her purse. As she comes out of the bathroom, her brother reminds her to not forget that she had plans tonight, as if she could forget. Grabbing the keys from the hook, she rushes out the door, shouting good-byes and hearing good lucks follow her out the door.

                In the car, she can’t seem to find the right music. None of the songs are right. They are either to edgy or cliché or slow. Barely paying attention to the road, a car honks as the ruby red of the stoplight turns to emerald green against the night sky. Thoughts of backing out or not being good enough run through her mind. She punches the gas, knowing that she is now passing the time of being fashionably late to being rude. Wishing that there was a dater’s handbook or other step-by- step guide was available to first timers, she parks the car and turns off the engine. Freaking out, she sends a quick text to her friends, asking for last minute advice and comforting wishes. She is greeted with a text from him instead of them.

I parked! Let me know when you get here.

Those words scare her so much. Gathering what little courage she has, she gives herself one last look in the small visor mirror. Brown eyes with mascara and a flushed face look back at her. She pushes the door open and walks up to the restaurant. She doesn’t see him at first, and she wonders if she is doing the right thing.

As soon as she thinks this, she spots him. He turns around, and smiles. 

Leap Year

I have been so busy in the past month! Between school and different clubs and sports, I barely have any time to myself. In my absence, I have created some stories, but I am in a rut with all of them. Hopefully soon I will have a finished product and posted to the blog.
This month, we celebrate February 29th, a day that only comes every four years. It's funny to think about people who are born on this day, as they only get a birthday one time in four years! However, this also got me thinking about things that we only do every four years. For example, in the US we have presidential elections. For this country, it is a very big deal. Individuals can change everyday, imagine how much a nation changes in four years!
I also likened this to a question that we always get, "What would be your perfect day?". I want to change this question to say, "What would be your perfect day that you could repeat every four years?".
For me, this would be waking up early and having breakfast in bed (biscuits and gravy, or chicken in waffles). My whole family would be there with me like a mini reunion. We would play games and go see a new movie. I would also adopt a Scottish fold cat and get a pint of Andy's vanilla and read The Help while having a picnic with my sister.
I wish that I could repeat my perfect day every four years. As life would have it, my dream will probably never happen. On the bright side, I can try and create this type of day.

Happy Leap Year,
MBE

Night Thoughts

Through the haze of smoke coating the air, she catches his eye. Quickly, she glances down at her plain black dress, realizing that she is under dressed for the party. Her friends nudge her elbow, letting her know that they are leaving her to her own defenses. Scanning the crowd, she sees no familiar faces except for one.
Her eyes are like magnets, following his every move. Watching him shake hands, play up the crowd. Why she can't get him out of her mind is a mystery to her. When they parted ways almost a year ago, it was for good. A clean, solid break- no splinters, jagged edges, or broken pieces. Now, seeing him again, it's like she never left.
Maybe you could blame it on the atmosphere of this party or her on setting headache, she fights through the crowd of girls in tight dresses and boys with too much cologne to find her friends. Grabbing her phone and Kate Spade lips clutch, she hurries to the door, forgetting her coat and leaving behind the smoke and questions running through her mind.
As she walks down the sidewalk, trying to avoid the cracks, a hand grabs her arm.
Turning around, ready to face her attacker, she is pleasantly surprised. She finds herself looking into his face, getting lost in his bright, blue eyes, streetlamps reflecting in them. His cheeks are red from running to catch her.
In ragged breaths, a hand running through his hair, he says, What happened to us? I can't stop thinking about what we used to be, what we can become. Please don't leave
She hears his words running through her head like a cassette tape on replay. How many times she heard those words, believed the empty promises. It wasn't just him or just her, it was everything else in the universe pulling them apart, exposing the worst of them piece by piece.
I can't, she says, that's the definition of insanity, trying the same thing, only to get the same results.
Turning away from him and his pained expression, she hails a taxi just as raindrops start to come down from the dark sky.


MBE

Busy as a Bee {or student}

This week has been a hectic one. Even though I know it's only Tuesday, I feel like the week is running away from me! This week I'm going to end up having four tests, multiple quizzes, and the ACT this weekend, not to mention all the homework and other after-school activities.
I am a very stressed out person. Normal remedies like smelling lavender or counting to ten just don't work for me. Maybe it's the feeling of not knowing the future and not being able to control it to a certain extent. I also feel like studying for tests dry me out of my creative writing and other ideas because we have no room for anything but facts. Either way, this seems like I'm fighting an uphill battle this week, like the kinds of weeks where you don't seem to have enough hours in the day or enough time to recharge. Going back to my previous post, this week my goal isn't necessarily to get 100% on everything, but to look for the sweetness in the week. For me personally, I think that I'm too eager to rush, rather than focusing on the journey.
This also reminded me of a speech given to BYU students called Successfully Failing. One of my favorite quotes from that says:

"At the other end of Professor Edmondson’s failure spectrum—“good failures” resulting from efforts to extend the frontiers of our knowledge—we should not be so fearful of failing that we avoid trying new or hard things merely because their very newness or difficulty increases the risk of failure. Don’t let concern for protecting your grade point average dictate the courses you take. Challenge yourself, academically and in other ways. You may discover skills, talents, and joys you would otherwise miss out on. Your mortal experience will be a more productive part of your quest for perfection if you intentionally stretch yourself with new challenges, especially those that involve a real risk of failure."

Let's fail, discover something new, and learn to go the distance.

Adios,

MBE