End of a Decade

I haven't written recently this year due to a crazy schedule. Honestly, this year has been full of growth and challenges that has tested me to my core. To keep track of all the craziness that has gone on this year, I'll make a list below.

1. I moved apartments with my sister and stayed in Utah throughout the summer. I took classes that were challenging, and made friends with people I didn't expect to. I found a summer fling (late in the summer and very, very short) and created relationships that I think will last a while. 

2. I made it into a business program. After applying for three different majors, I chose a completely different one that what I had been planning on for 2+ years. I honestly didn't think that I could do anything else, and it was a huge confidence booster knowing that I could get into hard programs. However, I didn't really think that I belonged, and I struggled with that throughout the semester wondering if I had made a mistake. 

3. I completed my first paid internship. Over the summer, I worked at a digital media agency and grew my skills in marketing. The internship taught me that I needed to have more confidence in my skills and abilities. I grew revenue for clients and was able to be a benefit to the team. I left the internship with things to work on and good connections for the future. 

4. My brother came home from his mission. After being gone for so long, I was excited to see him! I enjoy him being at school with me and my sister, and I really do like how I can talk to him whenever I want to.

5. We sold our house and moved to a different state. This part was really hard- leaving my childhood home was really sad, especially when we hadn't sold our house yet. Even today, it is really hard for me to understand why it took us so long to sell it. Although I miss all the good eats back home and the amazing friends I made, I am glad to be living in a new place with my family and experiencing a new culture. 

6. I started another internship in product development. This internship was awesome, but time consuming. I liked being able to channel what I was learning in my major to a new position, but overall it cut down on the time that I would have wanted to focus on my new and challenging classes. I met great people and learned a TON, one of those being that if you say that you are proficient in a language, you better be able to back it up! 

7. I passed classes that I didn't think at the beginning of the semester I could. Like I mentioned earlier, this semester was the first I had in my major. I had always heard that the junior core was going to be crazy, but after not choosing what my original plan of major was, I feel like it added to the stress. However, even though I had tough group assignments and group members, I was able to survive and end up with great grades. This semester alone has been the most challenging part of college so far, and I am so glad that I am done with some of the classes that I had to take this semester. 

Theses are only a few of the major events that happened to me this past year- and I know that there will be more for the next year and decade. I'm so grateful for all the people that have supported me throughout my journey, and I hope that they are all there with me for the future. If I could only use one word to describe this year, I would use grit. Grit is what got me through rejections (both personal and career/job/academic), hard subjects/lessons that I needed to learn, and what motivated me to keep happy (most of the time). Here's to 2019, and cheers to 2020 and beyond! 

Never Giving Up

I always tell my friends this, but sometimes when it rains, it pours. When I say this, I'm usually talking about how a bunch of things are going AMAZING all at one time, and the next week, almost everything seems to fall apart. Hopefully I'm not the only one that wishes that the good and the bad could happen more at the same time!

With recent weeks, I have had a lot of those experiences.
For example, I found out that I did really well in all my classes, especially economics, which I was really worried about. I also moved in to a new apartment, found the things that I was missing from that move, and the sun finally decided to come out!
However, these good experiences were sandwiched in-between three internship rejections, rejections of personal relationships (which is always sad), and the stress of moving out not entirely on schedule. Additionally, since I am staying for school over the summer, it was sad not being able to come home and see my family.

While all of these negative things were going on, it was really tempting just to give up, hop into bed, and hide under the covers and wait until things miraculously got better or my parents rescued me. Being rejected and told no, along with having plan B, C, and even D not working out was killer. Unfortunately/fortunately for me, I am used to things not working out in favor all the time, so although a few tears were shed (especially for my jobs), I was able to re-calibrate semi-quickly.  Though sometimes when things are the pits, you literally just have to take a step back and say that things SUCK. But that is when resilience kicks in.

Currently, things are going pretty well, and when I reflect back over the past couple of weeks and the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt, it is amazing to see how life kind of works out. And sometimes it is really frustrating to have to wait for things to work out, but more often than not, they do. So the only option that you're left with is to keep fighting, not giving up, until you see the sun once again. And when that happens, being fully present in the moment and counting your blessings. Sometimes I hate this saying, "I never said it would be easy, but worth it" just because it has been so over-quoted, but it is so true- I think that you appreciate the things that you earn because the struggle was so great.

So never give up- you got this! You can do it!

Sweet Sweet Summertime

I think that we can all safely agree that this is the best/worst time of the year. Currently, we are all stuck in weather that one day is sunny, bright, and warm (like a perfect summer day) or it's rainy, cold, and depressingly gray. One day, you might think about ordering that new swimsuit that you had your eye on, and the other you're bundling up in down coats thinking that winter can't last that much longer, right?

As a student, summer is especially tantalizing. No classes, freedom restored, and trips across and out of the country are just out of reach, but close. However, this also means that the winter semester is close to being over, which equates to finals. To this day, I still haven't met anyone who experiences the least amount of joy when talking/remembering finals. Finals are like the finish line for a half-marathon-kind of far away, painful to get to, but worth it when you finally finish and take a look back at where you came from.

My personal opinion is that summer is awesome. You can go outside all day long, everyone seems way more relaxed, and in turn, way nicer. An added bonus is if you are a lucky person that can tan (way to go!) and have access to a pool/beach/lake. I think my favorite thing about summer is all the possibilities and freedom- at no other point in the year can you stay up way late, sleep into the morning, and basically own your schedule! 

Currently, my plans for the summer are up in the air- but rest assured that it will involve lots of trips, being outdoors, and just enjoying the sunshine. And trying to get tan, but definitely without the skin cancer and sunburns (which now that I'm thinking about it, is probably a tall order).

Cheers to the summer!

 

Chemistry {you either got it, or you don't}

Just for a brief moment, I want to take some time to pat myself on the back for that blog title. It might not seem great to you, but I think it rocks.

Anyways, moving on. 

Right now, I want to talk about chemistry. Not the science kind, where your stomach hurts at the thought of taking a test and trying to remember compounds and reactions, but one between two people. Maybe it's because we just celebrated Valentine's Day, or maybe I've watch too many rom coms (and a combination of the two could be very likely) but I have kind of been thinking about this the past couple of days. 

I think it is amazing that two people, complete strangers, can end up forging a connection just because of the spark that they have. And it doesn't necessarily need to be a romantic connection, but maybe it's just somebody that "vibes" with you. IT IS AMAZING!!

But also really hard to explain.

Like if a friend asks you how you hit it off with so and so, you can't really tell them one specific thing- not because you're trying to be coy, but because you honestly don't know what specifically is so great about them, the parts of them that spoke to who you are. 

Speaking from personal experience, sometimes it's just enough to make eye contact with them, and receive a smile in return. 

SPARK!

Or sometimes it's what they say- for me, if you're incredibly funny, and you laugh at my jokes, lets just say that there is DEFINITELY something going on. Whether it is a friend or "something more" connection, chemistry definitely is there. Just sayin'. 

And I think the world needs more of it. Or, maybe we should just keep our eyes open for it. 

Comparison is the Thief of Joy {and other thoughts}

This weekend I had an interesting experience- I went to my first wedding reception, ever! It was for one of my friends that I knew last year during my first year of college, and it was crazy to see him get married, while I'm still living the single life. It's crazy for me to think that there are people out there that are my age who are married, have kids, have a salaried job... 

So around this point in my thought spiral, I start to get a little down. I take stock of myself and see that although I am working on a college degree and living separately from my parents, which are big things, I still have a lot to do personal-growth wise. I look at my peers, and use comparison to judge my worth (which is NOT good, I'm working on it) and that robs me of my happiness. Although taking stock of yourself can be helpful if it helps to internalize goals and achieve better thins personally, sometimes it works the opposite way. I find that sometimes when I'm not going out on a Friday night, or going on a date, or even getting asked out, I start to lose sight of what is really important. 

 

Not that dating isn't important, but valuing yourself based on arbitrary benchmarks and outside markers are not doing us any favors. I found that when I was (and am) comparing myself to others and their amount of trips, friends, money, beauty, love life, etc. that I was getting down on myself and not seeing the positive of the things that I do have. I have a great life- full of family, cats, financial security, and a healthy body that allows me to run marathons and Crossfit. Just because my life doesn't necessarily look like someone else's doesn't mean that it is a bad life- it's all MINE. 

As I reflect on what I want to accomplish this new year, I have some ideas, but my main one is to be happier by being thankful for what I do have, working on what I can change, and letting life do everything else and work itself out. We'll see how that goes, but I've resolved that life is too short to be unhappy about the things that you can't control. 

Fear of Failure

Failure is a dirty word. Unfortunately, I have been accustomed to the idea that perfection is the only way to survive, and that if you aren't top of your class, don't get the highest test score, or don't get asked on a million dates a week that it means that you aren't good enough. Honestly, I have been trying to tell myself that thinking this way is a lie, but it is hard to break out of the cycle. As an example (and a cathartic release) I want to relate an experience that I had a couple of weeks ago.

I had studied really hard for a test in a class that I needed to do well on. The test before that, I had actually received a perfect score, and although I was feeling great about my past performance, I didn't allow it to make myself feel cocky. So, to prepare for this test, I decided that I would continue with my same study habits, and work the practice tests multiple times, do extra practice problems, and basically out study everyone else in the class. 

The day of the test comes, and I decide that I am prepared- I feel pretty confident about the material, and think that I'll do okay. When I get to the test, there are some that I am not for sure on, but I leave the testing center feeling decent. I go to check the score, and my heart literally drops to the ground.

I had failed. And I mean not just getting a B, but a complete fail, the first one in my academic career. I was (and am still a little) broken. How could my efforts have been reduced to a failing score?

Now I am sure that some people are thinking that I just memorized the problems and wasn't really prepared, but I know that isn't the truth. What I think happened was that I was so afraid of failing, I had actually sabotaged myself. When I looked at the test a week later, I realized that I had overthought problems, made stupid mistakes, and committed errors that could only be explained by my heightened nervous energy. 

I think that this happens to a lot of people all the time. We get so worried about what the outcome will be of a trial or challenge that we build it up in our minds and instead of being positive, we decide that we will fail- and then we actually do. I wish that this test wouldn't have had the outcome that it did, but in a way, it is a good learning experience for me. Sometimes, as the old saying goes, I am my worst enemy. 

The week after I took the test was Thanksgiving week, and I decided to run a half-marathon on the holiday. Needless to say, I could have thought I was going to fail- it was cold, I was running by myself, and I wasn't sure if I was going to finish (even though I had trained!). However, I envisioned success, and I ended up getting a personal best by about 15 minutes- which I was so proud of! The contrast between these two experiences taught me so much- that we can't let fear rule our lives, and that failing doesn't have to be the end of a road, but can be a powerful motivator and teacher. 

So, my advice that I have come up with is this- failure doesn't have to be a bad word, unless you learn and grow from it. Also, most "bad days" or experiences that you have aren't actually failures- sometimes things just don't go according to plan. And that's okay, because something amazing might just be around the corner. 

A New Decade

As my birthday is coming up, I've been doing a lot of thinking about turning 20. I can't believe that my teenage years are almost behind me, and I am a little upset by that! Mostly I think it's because you don't have as many responsibilities, and you can kind of do crazy things with people not getting upset because you're a teenager. When you turn 20, there is almost this automatic push into adulthood, where the real world confronts you head-on and you're left to figure out jobs, careers, bills, and all the other things that your parents worry about but you never thought you would.
For one of my college classes, we had to read The Great Gatsby. I can't tell you how much I love this book! The way that Fitzgerald provides a social commentary is refreshing, and highlights the good and bad of the roaring 20s is fantastic. I also feel like it is applicable to the young stage of life that young adults are in- where hopefully we have no limits being placed on us, where we can truly be what we want to be and achieve what we set our minds to. With that, one of the main characters said something that really grabbed my attention because of my 20th birthday:

" I was 30--Before me stretched the portentous, menacing road of a new decade"

And even though I'm not turning 30, it made me think about what this new decade will hold for me. My past decade has been filled with change- if you think about it, from the time that you're 10-20 there is a lot of things that happen, like learning to drive a car, going on a first date, graduating grade school, starting college, etc. and life just gets crazy! I'm hoping that with this birthday, this decade won't be menacing, but rather another period of life that I can look back on with fondness and excitement for what I learned and did.
So, even though I still feel a little depressed with leaving the teen world, I have to admit that I am excited to see what this new decade will bring.